Dear Alma | Raises?

Dear Alma — Do you think I’ll get a raise this year?
Signed, Skint
Dear Skint,
You deserve a raise (we all deserve one), but the salary program is at the discretion of the Administration and completely unknowable to the merely tenured.  There ought to be money available, with lots of senior faculty retiring and thousands of international undergrads paying retail, but maybe University Admin thinks that socking away $300 million each year just isn’t enough – even though faculty salaries are stuck down at 19th out of 21 for our peer group.
The last time Alma asked for a raise, everything went dark for a while, I was loaded onto a flatbed truck, and I spent 21 months in a drafty studio in Chicago. At least I didn’t have to watch the last two Big Ten Football seasons.
Love, Alma